our values: RESPECT FOR ELDERS

This is one of the values that is diminishing very fast! These days you can't really tell between a child and an elder apart from noticing wrinkles!  When i was a little girl, i would stand up to give up my seat for an elder in a bus and most times the elder would offer to carry me on h/er lap.  But i tell you, today whether you are 89 years old, sick and weak, a youngster will not give up his seat for you!

I also remember we used to have different greetings for elders.  There was a difference in ways of greeting the young, the peers and the elders....but i don't see it now.  your three year grandson can actually tell you "what'sup you" and its acceptable!  Well i don't blame them because that is how we raise them.  we let them do, say, act any how because apparently that is their right!  These days we don't parent any more, we just give birth and then everything else will be taken care of by the world.  The parenting is left to the children themselves because we are very busy and besides "you cannot control me, i'm my own boss!" that's what a little girl told me about a year ago and i have not forgotten the phrase because i was shocked!

In Africa, even when you find absolutely nothing to admire about in an old man you just remember that the grey hair has earned him some respect.  We respect the elders for one big reason, simply because they have lived long enough and seen a lot, their for they have acquired enough wisdom to be our teachers and mentors.  Respect and taking care of the elders is such a great blessing and a value highly held such that there is no need for old aged nursing homes in Africa.  No matter how old you are or how successful you are, your parent (In Africa, that's anyone old enough to be your parent) is highly valued and respected until death.

So, this notion of children taking care of themselves is actually eroding our values.  Children are just children and they must be directed and guided.  We should teach them these values and exhibit them ourselves to build up strong valued generations. 

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it

The mouth of an elderly man is without teeth, but never without words of wisdom.

-African proverb.

Our values: HOSPITALITY

Thankfully this value is still alive in our culture.  Africans are generally very kind.  Long ago it was very easy for a stranger to knock on  the door at night and be given a place to sleep.  These days however, due to safety issues many are careful not to get into traps in the name of 'kindness'.  This does not mean we have stopped being kind, we are just kind in a very wise way.

Africans have different symbolic ways of expressing hospitality.  In a certain part of Tanzania, a guest is served with roasted grass hopper.  This is a sign of high respect and an expression of warmth.  The Igbo in Nigeria present guests with kola nuts and Kenyans prepare githeri (a mixture of beans and maize).  Each nation, each tribe has a way to show love, kindness and warmth.  A way to say you are safe and welcomed.

A certain incident shocked me some years ago. My neighbor, a young wife and a mother of three got some visitors (who are actually her friends).  They happened to stay until late in the evening.  At around 8.30pm her youngest came over at my house and said he was hungry and his mother hadn't cooked.  After an hour or so, his mother came to pick him up after seeing off her visitors, so i asked her if she was so broke that she didn't have food in the house.  This is what she told me," Oh no my dear, i have food but i didn't want to cook when the visitors were around.  The three of them would have finished my food!".....now do you get why i was shocked???!!!

''In traditional African culture, whenever there is food to be taken,everyone present is invited to participate even if the food was prepared for far less number of people without anticipating the arrival of visitors. It would be a height of incredible bad manners for one to eat anything however small, without sharing it with anyone else present, or at least expressing the intention to do so” Dr. Festus Okafor.  This pretty much summarizes the attitude of Africans toward visitors.

It is very important that you relate well with people......

Our Values: TOGETHERNESS

"Go the way that many people go; if you go alone, you will have reason to lament" This proverb simply says "stay together."  Togetherness is one of the strongest of African values.  Africans believe that individuals get their identity from their communities.  If you are asked who you are, you mention your clan name.  Immediately one can tell which part of the region you are from, who your grand father is, what tribe you are etc. An individual who has been rejected by his community has no meaning in Africa, hence everyone is taught to stay close to his family. Family in Africa has a very broad meaning.  It simply means every body you know!  the dictionary explains that your sister's son is your nephew, in Africa he is your son.  Your aunt's daughter is your cousin, in Africa she is your sister.  The woman next door is your neighbor, in Africa she is your mother. Get what i'm trying to portray?...ya, i guess you do.

This might seem like a whole lot of nonsense, but trust me it is not! The sole purpose of family in the African context is support.  That is what the proverb means by "......if you go alone, you will have reason to lament"  If you are not with family no one will be there to support you be it in good times or bad times.  On your wedding day dozens of people will show up and introduce themselves as your brothers, aunts, daughters etc and you will wonder where they came from.  

they will dance and sing for you

When you are mourning a loss of a loved one, likewise they will come and introduce themselves as uncles, sons, sisters etc, again you will wonder where they came from.

they will cry with you

  In both occasions they will bring you material gifts of happiness and sympathy, they will sing, cry and dance for and with you. Most of all they will bring you love and support.

This beautiful value is slowly fading away in many of our nations.  We are slowly moving towards the nuclear families.  We concentrate so much on this small cycle and forget about the rest of our families.  We seclude ourselves as though we are orphans.  One dies and we fail to locate even one of his relatives, why? because he was living an alone life.  I understand that there are some hardships in being in such a large family, but i know the benefits beat the hardships.   

This value should not die.  There are many ways to uphold it and pass it down.......Give a call to one or two of your long lost relatives, let your children get to know their brothers and sisters and aunties, plan a family annual visit to your spouse's home village, attend family gatherings, keep in touch with your in-laws, arrange sleepovers for the clan's children etc  these are but a few of what we can do.  comments and suggestions are appreciated

If you don't stand for something, you will fall for something

-African proverb

OUR VALUES

Africa is normally mistaken for a country because of the many things its nations share including values.  Values are what makes us who we are.  Each continent,country,clan, family and individuals have their own values and they should all be respected.  We have two critical problems these days concerning culture and values...either we don't appreciate our own cultures or we force the rest of the world to follow our cultures!   We are very easy to judge and condemn others of their cultures.  You find a Nigerian mother spanking her child then you go around saying she is violating human rights!!  You see a Ugandan paying dowry and say they buy and sell women in Uganda!! You meet an American with a tongue piercing and call her a slut!! It is absurd! Every one should appreciate and uphold their culture and understand and respect that of another person.

You will agree with me that Africa is loosing its values day by day.  Our cultural values are being diluted each day that passes by and we will soon find ourselves with no values or identity at all.  Honestly we have no one to blame but ourselves.  We are loosing  our values because we don't even know what they are.  So, if we don't know then who is to teach our children? who is to pass them to the next generations?  We are raising children who have nothing in their heads concerning their culture and values, and as you know an empty mind is the devil's workshop! anything can be shoved in their heads because they are empty.  These children will grow up to have no direction or identity whatsoever, confused of who they are and what they should uphold.

It is your duty as a parent, as an adult and as an African to pass down our values to the youngsters.  In order to do this, we must first know these values, practice them and internalize  them.  

In the next few weeks we shall have a series focusing on the essential values that African nations share and how we can uphold them or revive them, and suggestions on how best to implant them to our children especially for the Africans in the diaspora.  Comments, suggestions and ideas are all welcome.

Until then, stay blessed.

DIFFERENT FATHERS TODAY

A friend of mine, Josephine* gave birth last week to a healthy baby boy.  She isn't married, her ex boyfriend, Richard*(the father of the child) doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby, her father has chased her away from home and now she has dropped out of college.  When she was about seven months pregnant she got a new boyfriend, Baraka* who accepted to live with her and the baby after birth.....to cut the long story short, she now lives with her current boyfriend, Baraka*.  But she is consistently worried that he might just decide to kick them out one day.

Now, Since it is fathers day, i want to draw attention to these three men/fathers.  First, Josephine's* father.  He has been her father for about 20 years, gone through all the fatherhood stress and joy but disowns her daughter for getting pregnant out of wedlock.

Secondly, Josephine's* ex(the father of the baby).  He has been in a relationship with her for two years.  Got her pregnant ( unplanned), admits that it is his baby but wants nothing to do with him because he is not ready to be a father.

Lastly, Baraka* her current boyfriend, he is now a father for another man's child.

So, i am confused about a couple of things, whether these fathers are right or wrong. Whether they can justify themselves...........here are my queries

• As a father in a community that upholds marriage and abominates pregnancy out of wedlock.  What would you do if your daughter found herself in such a situation? 
• What was Richard supposed to do? he wasn't prepared to be a father, yet his girlfriend is pregnant for him....
• Do you think Baraka is genuinely accepting the baby?Would you do that for a woman you love?
• Ladies, would you forgive your father and your ex when/if they came back later?

All names* are not their real names

"Dogs do not actually prefer bones to meat; it is just that one never gives them meat"

-Akan proverb

AWESOME CREATURES

As fathers day approaches(which i like to call men's day), i want to draw attention to our men.  Not all of them are fathers of coarse but i am pretty sure they have been a father figure to someone at some point, so they all at least deserve a happy men's day! So before the day comes, we should just remind ourselves of how precious they are...i agree, sometimes you want to punch them in the face, but again sometimes you want to give them the stars and the moon!!.  

We have talked and appreciated the African man's character before, so today we shall dwell on what we can see....the handsomeness, the cuteness, the sexiness...whatever you call it!, just to let them know that they don't have to use whitening creams, they don't have to do hair implants, they don't have to pierce every part of their body to look handsome or to impress us. So lets begin...........

The eyes...
You can all agree with me that these creatures have peculiar eyes. Shiny,piercing,dark.. Kind yet fierce, focused yet playful.  Their the eyes to make a woman say yes, but the same eyes scare away lions!  They are so mysterious you can't know what is going on inside...they rarely cry and rarely blink when watching football!!

The eyebrows
Well...most of us don't notice these.  They are normally forgotten when describing someone, but i think they are a distinct feature.  If someone ever tells that you have hair like an African man's eyebrows, give that person a hug! that is a huge compliment. i tell you these guys have the thickest, bushiest eyebrows ever!  It makes them look so sophisticated and dangerous and scary especially when they frown. so every time someone messes with you, tell them "hey,don't mess with me, my man has bushy eyebrows!" they will know what your are talking about and just run away!

see what i'm talking about?!

The smile
ooh! now what can i say about this.?! I think our men have the best smiles....i know mine has! Hasn't your day ever been brightened up by just your man's smile. They do wonders.  Some are so wide you can see all 30 teeth plus the gaps...some are not open at all...some can't differentiate between a smile and a laugh...but all in all, they are just amazing smiles! I just wish they could smile more often.

One last feature...I don't know why, but these guys go bald very early in life! THANK HEAVENS they don't look bad bald otherwise it would be a disaster.!

These are very few beautiful physical features that our gorgeous men posses. I am sure yours is different in their own way, but the point is to just appreciate them and make them aware that they are one of a kind.  We might think that only women have low self esteem and they are the only ones conscious about how they look, but this is creeping into men too.  Just the other day a man got a very bad infection from doing hair implants because he thought his wife doesn't find him handsome being bald!
So, as we celebrate our men next week, let them know that they are awesome looking creatures!

The Equality Concept

Many people have miss understood the equality concept, as a result of this misunderstanding we have women who want to be men and men who are useless and undermined.  Now, before you judge, hear me out first.
  In the last post we talked about divorce and pointed that one of the cause is loosing our cultural values.  Every culture is different and have different values and beliefs, so does ours.  I say Africa should accept change(it is inevitable), but to what extent should we accept these changes.  

The equality concept for instance, it was and still is a very strange concept in Africa.  Simply because in Africa people aren't equal!  That does not mean that one's right to live is better than the other, no.  It just means that people are categorized; children, elders, parents, chiefs, mothers, fathers etc, and all these are treated differently. I do agree that there were some practices that were directly suppressing and harming other people.  For instance, circumcising girls, beating up wives etc.

Now, the equality concept was brought to us with good intentions of eliminating these bad practices.  However, we have taken it in such a way that it has become war between men and women!!! Women are striving to overtake men and men are still puzzled at what is happening they even become useless!  In African culture, a man takes his role as a family provider very seriously, his manly responsibilities at home are also not forgotten. But today you will find a wife painting the house by herself and the man is watching football while waiting for lunch!! what kind of nonsense is that!  

Ever since we, women started earning degrees we see our husbands as good for nothing, we undermine them and call them useless.  We want to be the men of the houses and do everything. This is when bitterness creeps in marriages and divorce is warmly welcomed.  It has become chaos!  We have even forgotten how our system use to work.
We all, as a continent and individuals should critically think, analyse, understand and sieve every theory and concept introduced to us.  Is it necessary? does it contradict with my values? what is wrong with the current one? These are some of the many questions we should ask ourselves before we accept change.